Aesthetically Pleasing Moments From Video Game Football History #3

Today’s two screenshots come from everyone’s favourite 1993 “traditional soccer (football) simulation video game” as Wikipedia calls it. Of course it’s “Tony Meola’s Sidekicks Soccer” for the SNES (yes, “Sidekicks” is correct). We remember U.S. goalkeeper Meola’s name confusing us as ignorant children in the 90’s. We could never remember how to pronounce it correctly and we definitely remember thinking about it as recently as a couple years ago, although now seem to have no problem with it.

The game appears not to have been available in Europe; if it had been we’re sure we would have rented it.

First, we have a pretty nondescript team select page but I like the minimalism and the jaunty pose and tight outfit of the little fellow:

There is something also surreal and quaint about seeing North American “team” names in a game (countries and some European sides were also playable). But then there’s this, the match set up page:

In the middle we have a nice hour glass motif denoting the length of time the match you are about to play will be in real life. Like a real match, you can play up to 90 minutes and I’d be willing to bet that the amount of people who actually used this option and played a full hour and a half non-stop of this presumably poor game is zero. Beneath this, there is a marvelous system for indicating the game speed. Turtle for slow, horse for medium and cheetah for fast, presumably the first and only time any of these creatures have made an appearance in a football game.

But the best bit is at the top where we see several grotesquely misshapen skinny and muscular legs, with different size legs denoting the strength or difficulty level of each side (I’m not posting it again, scroll back up). It took me quite some time to figure this out as I didn’t realise at first that there was a difference in the “outer” and “inner” skinny legs. In “typical American” fashion, alpha male brawn is the order of the day. You’re either strong, weak or weak as fuck.

Incidentally, while the height of Meola’s fame was the 1994 World Cup, he would soon find his career diverting in two ways which would be unlikely for his European counterparts. Wiki explains:

“On December 14, 1994 Meola signed with the Buffalo Blizzard of the NPSL in the 1994-1995 indoor season. He became the team’s starting keeper, but on January 31, 1995, he announced that he had taken a lead role in the off-Broadway play Tony and Tina’s Wedding. He played five more games with the Blizzard before leaving to join the cast on February 16.”

Tony and Tina’s Wedding? I had really hoped that not content with just a video game to his name, this was a play written specifically for and about Tony Meola. Unfortunately though, it was as written in the mid 80’s and features “warm and intrusive stereotypes exaggerated for comic effect…Audience members are treated as guests at the wedding by the interactive, improvisational comedy cast.” Christ.

Aesthetically Pleasing Moments From Video Game Football History #2

In today’s edition of APMFVGFH, we look at some classic scenes from “Fever Pitch Soccer” for the SNES, released in 1995. We join the action as Kuwait, have just scored against Denmark:

As you can see, a man (or possibly man-beast, ala Street Fighter’s Blanka) with fabulous orange dread locks is decked out in Kuwait’s famous green and grey and has just scored what must have been an absolute belter. The Danish opponent can only look towards the ground with an embarrassed smile, quite possibly in recognition of a personal error directly preceding the goal.

We later rejoin as Denmark have just pulled one back after having conceded another couple of goals:

From his face, I would not be surprised to find out that the goalscorer was a heroin addict. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course. The devestated Kuwaiti defender also seems to have a serious case of “roid gut”, and his large, bulging thighs only support the theory that performance enhancing supplements may have been involved in many a pre-match meal for this particular individual. A rotund package hangs proudly in between the thighs.

Lastly, we come back late in the game after Denmark had scored again, but now Kuwait have just added a 4th to seal the game. And wouldn’t you know it, but it’s only “roided-up defender” who’s popped up to score it, and he is looking seriously devilish and even bigger than before. Jesus Christ look at those forearms:

Interestingly, the Danish keeper seems to be wearing some sort of version of the Adidas 1994 era goalkeeper shirt template in an LA Laker colourway. The hardfaced keeper (he’s been around the block) looks irate and is pointing sternly at the goalscorer as if to exclaim “He’s on steroids!”

Aesthetically Pleasing Moments From Video Game Football History #1

In a new feature here at Pyro On The Pitch, we take a brief look back at some lovely retro gaming images.

Here we have a “select-team” screen shot from Tecmo’s PC game “European Championship 1992“:

One glaring issue is the incorrect order of colours on the Russian flag, although since this is of course the Confederation of Independent States we’re talking about and not Russia, maybe this was intentional on Tecmo’s part. Also the CIS should be in red as their home shirt colour not white. Yugoslavia also incorrectly appear in away strip, so perhaps Tecmo was just making some sort of subtle commentary on collapsing states. We may never know, but hopefully the gamer did in fact choose to play as Luxembourg and lead them to glory.